Not educational, just a bit of self discovery while working on Module 1

 I suffer massive discomfort at the thought of conflict in and out of work. I think that the route of my problem is ultimately the fear that what I am/have done is not good enough. So I avoid discussions/arguments of getting onto a certain subject as I don't want to have to defend myself. I fear my argument is too weak and that whatever I have produced will not be to the liking of whoever it is that is judging it. So sometimes I don't say anything and try to distance myself. Of course this is actually exacerbating the problem to me (maybe unknown to the "judge"), so not only now am I dealing with the feeling of my product is soon to come under attack, but also that I am not being true. It may well be that my product is fine, but I automatically push myself into expecting the worst. Why do I have such low self-esteem?

 I wasn't always this way. I was never one to be in the spotlight (apart from when I was physically on stage) and shout out me, me, I can! But I always knew what I was capable of and that I could deliver. Is it since having a baby? And the constant battle of balancing work and home life? Or is it after transitioning from on stage performing to off stage directing/choreographing? Or, a combination?

As a performer I knew what I had to do. Or did what I was told. I was hard working, disciplined, consistent and I was good. I didn't question my talent ( well maybe sometimes musically, I wish I could sight read and have better music knowledge). I was dedicated, motivated, full of energy and 100% reliable. Now I'm not saying I'm not still all of those things, but something is different, something is missing. Now I have responsibility. So what is my issue? Does my low self-esteem have just cause? Do I actually have flaws as a choreographer/director and my work is not good enough? Or is it acceptable and have, like many other things, weaknesses in the creative process? It makes me all so unsure. It is all so subjective!?

I can pin point a change in my behavior between a production of FAME that I worked on as Assistant Director to a later production of CARRIE where I was Associate Director. For FAME I knew the material inside out and had been very involved in the creative preparation of the show. Carrie however was a show enhanced by the set and tech effects. Areas which were not a part of my prep process (not my department). Although the basic comings and goings of the scenes and details were known to me the fact that the key elements of Set were a murky barrier to me, made the visualizing of everything extremely difficult. In fact until we got into the theatre for the tech rehearsals, some things were still unclear to me. This made it difficult to convey to the cast convincingly when you don't have a full understanding of it yourself. I didn't know the material as well as I did for FAME. Although I had read Stephen King's books and done my research, and been a part of the creative process, I still felt like I was a step behind. Like I was always playing catch up. that's not a nice feeling in the rehearsal room. It didn't help that I had a four month old baby at home being cared for by my husband and shared out with my Mum who'd come to visit for the rehearsal period. The plot thickens!...Lack of preparation? Emotionally stressed? And two further productions looming in the months to come. All contributing to my sudden droop? Or just a more challenging piece of theatre? I needed to up my game. Was I up to the challenge? I had transitioned from being a performer to being a part of the creative team, that requires a significant mindset shift. Perhaps I hadn't drawn a clear enough distinction between the two and therefore didn't have a fully functioning plan? Self belief must also play a part in this.


"As you think, so shall you become" Bruce Lee.


If we allow our mindset to remain locked on our failures we lose the chance to seize what the present moment holds. I have programmed myself to fear making a mistake and loss, but I think in actual fact the greatest loss arising in a lack of self belief is the cost to myself. Christine Evangelou, a motivational speaker said:" Our self belief and inner confidence take a battering through what we deem as failures and not quite hitting the mark. When we feed into these thoughts we provide them with a stronger foundation to keep knocking us down, when we inherently know we can get up and stay up...believing in oneself is a motivator, it stimulates action and challenges are easier to overcome. We are the driver of our own success. "




Just wondering if anyone out there has had a similar experience or has any thoughts or advice to share? Please feel free to comment..




Reference

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5753d2be45bf211ddd8db268/t/576075e027d4bd87de91b67e/1465939432968/61._Self-Belief.pdf The Power Of Self Belief

https://cmoe.com/blog/how-to-transition-an-employee-into-a-leadership-position/

https://qz.com/work/1189812/tackle-your-fear-of-confrontation-to-give-better-feedback/


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Module 1 reflection and looking even further back in History to unravel 'Ethics'

Image
Reflecting on Module 1, I have taken it upon myself to delve deeper into Ethics. I feel I only touched the surface previously and need to make a concerted effort to understand the topic better and what implications this has on my practice. (And how it will play a role in my later inquiry). To do this I feel I need to go back to the roots, literally.  I have centered my first part of reading and research process in 'Theatre & Ethics'. A study that moves through History taking an academic approach to the works of Playwrights and their subjects. What has shaped the ethics of the time, and how the ethics of that time shaped the play. I think it already sounds interesting! But there's a lot to take in and analyse. For anyone else who struggled applying the ethical considerations to their Module 1 reflection, I can recommend this as a bit of extra reading.    Here I have added a picture of the city of Hamburg , my former home. This was after the horrific air raids of WW2 Th...
Read more

Always considering the planet? (Not related to todays discussion group, just a though I had throughout writing)

Image
 With all the talk about the digital world in Module 1 I found myself wondering: how our digital carbon footprint impacts the environment? This is a tricky one and I could have devoted days, months and years to in depth research. However time is against me so I read as much as I could in a short space of time and came up with the following thoughts : Digitalisation is heavy on energy and is resource intensive. It comes with a gob smacking carbon footprint. A study from the Shift Project found that our use of digital technologies now actually cause more Co2 emissions than the entire aviation industry! (According to the experts the share of the global Co2 emissions from 2013-2018 increased from 2.5% to 3.7%) I find this staggering, even though we can't see it, can it really be ignored? Without decisive political action the digital revolution is set to increase our consumption of resources and energy and accelerate the damage we are doing to our planet and our climate. But this has to...
Read more